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Nov. 20th, 2009 04:21 pmADAGES I HATE:
But wait! That last one is ACTUALLY TRUE! Well, if it were amended to say, you learn something new THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF every day. Because guess what I've learned since coming to Desai?
Thank you all for teaching me this absolutely invaluable lesson, everyone in Desai! Now, I'm going to go back to my own real, sane, non-magical hospital, pour myself a nice tall glass of Vicodin, wash it down with some rubbing alcohol and SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
- Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
- Since most of you are pathetic losers with no friends, I'll say this: if someone is giving you a gift for whatever reason, TAKE IT AND RUN because you probably won't be getting any for Christmas. Santa isn't real! Who said that? NAUGHTY COXSIE!!
- Look before you leap.
- Step one: climb to top of tall building. Step two: close eyes. Step three: leap. See, no looking required! If this does not result in the desired effect (i.e. death or at least serious injury resulting in the inability to talk or type ever again) feel free to repeat at your leisure.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
- Don't believe this one, ladies! Beauty is in the eye of Seventeen, Cosmo, CosmoGirl!, Glamour, Allure, Marie Claire and Vogue. You are too old, too fat, and you wear the wrong clothes. No man will ever love you, not even if you use those Fifteen Hot 'N Sexy Tricks To Get His Motor Running! (see pg. 153) Guess what? He still thinks you're a whiny nag, and he'll only think that more often if you somehow convince him to marry you! Go change everything about yourself. Immediately.
- A friend in need is a friend indeed.
- No, a friend in need will ask you for everything but the clothes on your back (and sometimes, even those!) and give you nothing in return because of insert excuse here. This is why you don't make friends with poor, sickly, codependent, or just generally annoying people.
- Blood is thicker than water.
- Actually, genius, blood plasma is 90% water. Open a goddamn book.
- You learn something new every day.
But wait! That last one is ACTUALLY TRUE! Well, if it were amended to say, you learn something new THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF every day. Because guess what I've learned since coming to Desai?
Thank you all for teaching me this absolutely invaluable lesson, everyone in Desai! Now, I'm going to go back to my own real, sane, non-magical hospital, pour myself a nice tall glass of Vicodin, wash it down with some rubbing alcohol and SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
