Dr. Perry Cox

ADAGES I HATE:

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Since most of you are pathetic losers with no friends, I'll say this: if someone is giving you a gift for whatever reason, TAKE IT AND RUN because you probably won't be getting any for Christmas. Santa isn't real! Who said that? NAUGHTY COXSIE!!

Look before you leap.

Step one: climb to top of tall building. Step two: close eyes. Step three: leap. See, no looking required! If this does not result in the desired effect (i.e. death or at least serious injury resulting in the inability to talk or type ever again) feel free to repeat at your leisure.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Don't believe this one, ladies! Beauty is in the eye of Seventeen, Cosmo, CosmoGirl!, Glamour, Allure, Marie Claire and Vogue. You are too old, too fat, and you wear the wrong clothes. No man will ever love you, not even if you use those Fifteen Hot 'N Sexy Tricks To Get His Motor Running! (see pg. 153) Guess what? He still thinks you're a whiny nag, and he'll only think that more often if you somehow convince him to marry you! Go change everything about yourself. Immediately.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

No, a friend in need will ask you for everything but the clothes on your back (and sometimes, even those!) and give you nothing in return because of insert excuse here. This is why you don't make friends with poor, sickly, codependent, or just generally annoying people.

Blood is thicker than water.

Actually, genius, blood plasma is 90% water. Open a goddamn book.

You learn something new every day.

But wait! That last one is ACTUALLY TRUE! Well, if it were amended to say, you learn something new THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF every day. Because guess what I've learned since coming to Desai?

~*~MAGIC IS REAL!!~*~

Thank you all for teaching me this absolutely invaluable lesson, everyone in Desai! Now, I'm going to go back to my own real, sane, non-magical hospital, pour myself a nice tall glass of Vicodin, wash it down with some rubbing alcohol and SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

Well, look at me! I'm new here, but I don't know how to deal with unfamiliar situations and environments, so I'm just going to get my designer panties all in a bunch and bitch to people I don't know, because that makes complete and utter sense. I'm so scared! I can hardly string together a sentence. I'm shaking, I'm hyperventilating, I want my mommy. But the bitch has been dead for quite some time, so you'll have to do! Help me, Desai, you're my only hope. Hold me, Desai.



And now I'm obligated to tell you all that I do not, in fact, want you to hold me. Put the touchy-feely away, kids. I'm employing sarcasm, which just so happens to be the hypothetical hammer of my rhetoric toolbox! You're all going to have to get used to it real quick. No, you're not allowed to argue this point. No, you're not allowed to tell me to be "nicer" or "gentler" or "more open and sensitive to the needs of others who, quite frankly, don't even know what they need because humans don't have a shred of self-awareness in them." No, you're not allowed to cut me off. No, you're not allowed to go to the bathroom while I'm talking. No, you're not allowed to do the girly pee dance. You'll hold it like a man. All of you.

Look, here's the deal: I don't know much about this world, aside from the fact that you're all pathetic whiners with no lives to speak of who've probably never touched another naked body, and so I'm assuming that the medical system is equally weak and flimsy. No worries, kids, Jesus H. Cox is here to save the day! With a little help from the plebeians, of course. It's a big place, which just means there's more room for screw ups to propagate and inevitably hurt themselves or others. And we just can't have that, now can we? Just point me in the direction of the hospital, and I'll be there to solve all problems, cure all ills, reattach all limbs, kick all asses and take all names.

It is, in fact, how I "roll."